How to be really good in Conversations

I recently received a really good question in one of my ‘How to Think. How to Communicate’ workshops from a participant - a good question because it's common and ut also because it was very well-defined and well-explained.

 

As with all good questions, I thought my other workshop participants and friends would like to hear my answer. So I decided to write about it - here in my blog.

Here's what Dr Neeraj had asked:

 

"I believe - have a problem that I can identify when speaking with native speakers (English language). I can't seem to converse naturally enough, perhaps I don't know what to say or don't know what topics to touch on when having a conversation. For e.g if someone were to ask me 'Dr Neeraj how are you?' I'd then reply 'I'm good thanks or I'm alright how are you'. I find it very dull and monotonous because I can't seem to lead it into a conversation. How do I break out of this, what do I say next, what can I talk about or ask to lead it into a conversation. How do I come up to people and create a conversation?"

 

Basically, what Dr Neeraj wanted to know was - how to create more interesting conversations.

 

And here's my answer:

No matter which language we are using, we all have a very deep need to be understood... to be listened to with attention and care.

 

Unfortunately, we often spend much more of our time in conversations thinking about what we want to say next, rather than really listening.

 

What this means is that the rare person who is genuinely interested in listening to others becomes known for having good conversations, typically because they do not speak much.

 

Language learners are particularly concerned with how to say impressive things correctly in conversations, but if the goal is really to have more interesting conversations, the focus should be on the other person.

 

So, instead of studying lots of phrases for potential situations, just remember these three simple words:

 

Let me elaborate....

 

People want to have long and interesting conversations with you, but you have to help them by digging deeper into their ideas, descriptions and explanations.

 

When you spend time listening first, the other person "opens up" and forms a connection or a closer relationship with you - one that allows for a safer atmosphere for you to make speaking mistakes, and to practice speaking more.

 

So I suggest - relax and learn something about the people you're in conversations with first.

 

Then you'll become more comfortable, allowing the words you already know to come out freely.

 

And before long, you'll notice yourself speaking more fluently, having more interesting conversations and making many more friends.

 

Every day, just practice:

 

Isn’t it interesting :)

 

Dr Neeraj also had added later during the lunch break...

"I find this insight to be really interesting; at the same time an eye opener as it is indeed different than how I had learnt in school. And it's surprising - how you got it spot on when you're contrasting a sentence between textbook English and conversational English. The textbook English definitely sounds like me!"

 

Like other learners around the world, Dr Neeraj discovered that it's really quite simple to get fluent in discussions, once you understand how to learn.

 

LISTEN.

That’s my secret to interesting conversations. 

If one learns to listen carefully and with natural interest ...
I can guarantee one will learn to communicate and converse like natives and will be fluent in conversation very soon.

  

Victor Ghoshe 

Author is a Sr Adviser with BBC, India,
a bestselling author & a successful motivator.